


Acceptance

by thelonelywriter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Ficlet, Hurt, Lots of Angst, M/M, Mark of Cain, Mutual Pining, Pining, not quite a coda ??, prior to 10x23
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2015-06-11
Packaged: 2018-04-03 21:05:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4114924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelonelywriter/pseuds/thelonelywriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He couldn't be saved. He decided he didn't deserve to be saved. His soul was blackened, it was dirty, it weighed heavy inside of him, and what's the use in trying to fix something so broken that repair isn't in the equation, something magic, something Death, something God probably couldn't fix?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Acceptance

**Author's Note:**

> This is a weird kind of coda to ep. 10x22... I think??? Basically, I wrote this based off of the song 'Heavydirtysoul' by twenty one pilots (if you haven't listened to that song yet you should, it's amazing.) I know I'm late on the bandwagon with all this Mark of Cain shit but I don't care, I wanted to write a fic based off of that song and this came out.

The Mark of Cain was pure evil, nothing but pain and darkness. And Dean knew that, he knew of the Mark to an extent others didn't, for he was the one who felt his blood pump faster at the though of release, of death, of mass destruction that would occur at his own hand. Even when he didn't possess the First Blade, even when he swore he was fine, even every single time he let Sam and Cas fiddle with their little spells and games and cures, he knew it was impossible. He couldn't be saved. He decided he didn't deserve to be saved. His soul was blackened, it was dirty, it weighed heavy inside of him, and what's the use in trying to fix something so broken that repair isn't in the equation, something magic, something Death, something God probably couldn't fix? Dean Winchester decided he was meant to be this way, his life was meant to play out like this and the Mark had only strengthened that, it had only confirmed the fact that yes, he was to die a gruesome death, he was not meant to be saved for he couldn't be saved.

The Mark of Cain would and was enveloping him in something that he couldn't control, something far out of his control, and something that couldn't be stopped. It wasn't a quick fix, it wasn't a spell to cure all, it wasn't a Hail Mary throw passed over to a higher power, any one, take your pick. It was a death sentence, a brutal, horrid death sentence that Dean grew weary of challenging, of the old words, 'There has to be a cure, we'll fix this.' So he accepted it and he waited because he knew it would end this way for him, it would end in an awful way, in a way that he didn't want but had to endure because there was no way around it.

\---

Castiel knew Dean, he knew him possibly better than Sam, his own brother knew him. Though his grace was wavering, though it wasn't the same as it had been years ago when he brought Dean back from Hell, he could sense Dean every time their paths crossed, each time the passed by each other Castiel could sense the hopelessness, the acceptance for a gruesome death, for the Mark to take over. But it took a lot, it took weeks, it took days where Castiel thought and thought of Dean alone, but he found it. He found it and he doubted Dean had even found it himself. Underneath hopelessness, underneath a mask of, 'I'm fine,' underneath the restraint, the self loathing, the submission to the belief that there was saving him, no saving Dean Winchester for his fate was already sealed; there was a spark, a tiny, minuscule piece of longing, of hope, of something that though it was small, it was greater than the whole picture in itself.

Dean himself ignored it, he pushed it down to the recesses of himself, telling it to leave, to fizzle out because hope was never a good thing, not for the Winchesters at least. But he still felt it sparkle, and it would bubble back up when Castiel was near, when Castiel was looking him in the eye, when Castiel had brushed shoulders with him, when he heard his voice. Dean hated it, he hated the fact that deep inside he was pleading Cas to do something because it was Cas, it was him who rescued Dean, him who had rebelled, him who had broken more things than he had fixed but still, still Dean trusted him, wanted him closer, he wanted to go up to Cas and say, 'Cas, there's gotta be a way, you gotta save me.' He kicked himself internally every time those words came up, burst in the back of his mind. 'Save me.'

But there was no saving, not for Dean Winchester, not this far into the game. And he doubted, he knew that Castiel, Angel of the Lord, was in no position to save him, was no where near it. Even if saving meant contact, meant having someone to sleep with, a warm body next to his at night, even if that was saving, even if that was what Dean secretly wanted, secretly pleaded for, he never let it show because he knew he couldn't have it. Because even if Cas did want to save him, he had seen Dean's soul, and Dean knew anyone who had seen that dark, empty thing wouldn't want to touch him, not in the slightest bit. Dean couldn't have been more wrong.

Castiel felt the longing, the silent asking to be saved, the silent hope that was trying to claw its way to the top of Dean, to slip out of his mouth in words, words that would show Castiel how much he meant to Dean. Castiel couldn't have felt stronger, he couldn't have felt the need more powerful that to comfort him, to love him. But the first step in loving him was finding a cure, finding a way to rid Dean of the hopelessness, of the anger. That was first and foremost, and Castiel wouldn't give up, not until Dean was Dean again. Then he would show him, he would show him how Dean wasn't tarnished on the inside, how he wasn't a mass of darkness. He would show in whatever way possible, no matter what it took.


End file.
